If it wasn’t for the first warning screen explaining that “This is a work of fiction”, I might have thought this game was fact. The moon being chained to the Earth? Surely historical! The man with orange chains pouring out of his sides? Probably real. The people emitting glowing orbs? A documentary, of course! But no. They had to go and ruin it with a warning.

We can’t go too far into the overbearingly long first video without being introduced to the androgynous fellow that the player will be controlling. And there he is, name’s Capell. (Like something a Klingon would say.) He’s been mistaken for a local hero by the name of Lord Sigmund – Sigmund to his friends – and imprisoned. Capell though is no hero. In fact, he’s a flutist. And as we all know, flutists are pansies.

A girl comes to rescue him. Tries to rescue him anyway. Thinking Capell to be the mighty local hero, a young girl by the name Aya comes to break him from prison. At this point everyone is wondering: if the local hero was captured, what luck might this young girl have? Thankfully, that question is answered. She is knocked unconscious almost immediately prompting Capell into the first battle of the game.

When I say battle, I don’t really mean battle battle. I mean tutorial. And by tutorial I mean text. And by text I mean almost a dozen screens of instructions on how to fight, run away and ‘splode barrels. Yes, this is a RPG with exploding barrels.

After the battle is over, say goodbye to the voice acting. Oh, it’ll be back, sure, but they couldn’t be bothered to have voice for all the text, right? Not when they could have blurry white blobs for SD TV players to decipher. The reading is quickly over however when an ogre busts through the wall. Don’t you hate it when that happens?

Pop quiz! When being chased by an Ogre up a dozen flights of stairs, do you:

A) Stop to fight every enemy on the way up.

B) Pull your sword out to destroy an a conveniently placed wooden wall only to then put your sword away again to run up another flight of stairs and do it all over again.

C) Leave behind your companion – a young girl – who is seemingly invincible to fight your battles for you.

Correct: B) and C).

Showing that the game is more than a dark prison, the characters manage to escape into the forest. The dark forest. Totally different. It is here that the stealth elements of the game are unveiled.

You know what every RPG needs? Right! Stealth elements. Stay in the shadows and the enemy won’t see you. Get close and a question mark appears over their head. Detection means an exclamation mark, and a battle.

The real-time world is now introduced. Real-time in the sense that even when opening the menu, the game won’t stop or slow down. Want to use a potion or equip that new armor? You better be able to run for your life when navigating a menu.

Sneaking their way through the dark forest – further darkened by a Standard Definition TV’s translation of “Dark” into “Totally Unable To See Anything But The Characters” – they seemingly escape the guards only to be surrounded in a clearing. Lucky, Lord Sigmund – Sigmund to his friends – is there to save them. After a few moments of doppleganger dialogue, the good guys escape further into the forest Robin Hood style.

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Leaving the adventures of Capell, Aya and Lord Sigmund for another day (or never), I stopped there. The degree of Excellence that this game puts off was too much for me. I can only hope that someone else discovers this game, Infinite Undiscovers this game… whatever the hell that means.