How to be an ass on the Internet

You want to be an ass, huh? You suck!

That feeling you have right now, that anger? Yes, I can see it in your eyes. I know you have it. Let it fester. Feed it. Every time you look at someone else’s work, slip some food to that anger. I could do their job better than them!

Say the following to yourself right now: “I am better than them! I am the best!” Good. Now, scream it! SCREAM IT! Good, good. Now, you are ready for the instructions.

1) Have a sense of entitlement.

No one else matters. Always remember, no matter if others are getting paid for their work and have awards, only your work is important. You could do that same job, if there wasn’t a conspiracy to keep you down.

You deserve more attention. Who cares if you have only written a few articles? It doesn’t matter if you have only one painting! Making a game!? You have done something and deserve attention for it. It’s perfect. And so are you.

2) Be paranoid. (Yes, I saw that.)

We are, in fact, out to get you. I am standing outside your window watching what you are doing right now. No, don’t go look. I’ve moved somewhere else now. Doesn’t matter anyway, I’ve already judged you. You would have see me if you were paying attention. But you weren’t.

Unless you are Google-ing yourself several times a day, you don’t matter. Track your mentions on Twitter. Facebook? More like spy-on-everyone-book! How will you know what other’s are doing unless you constantly look for what others might be saying about you? You won’t! The only way to know you are better than everyone else to read, watch or play everything they are doing. Then and only then will you know you are the best. (I saw that too.)

4) Ignore logic.

Whatever you feel is right. Whatever you do is great. Don’t believe me? You just read this sentence. Therefore, you are better than the people who didn’t. (I just blew your mind, right? I know I did. I saw it from the window.)

You want to paint? Just paint whatever you want. Ignore the past, present and anything that’s brewing for the future. Right now, it’s just you. Anything you might have picked up along the way, you invented first. No one else is doing what you are doing right now. No one has ever dared to do it.

You are making a game? Figure out everything on your own! Those commercial programmers won’t help you. They don’t care. They are misleading you. If you get good — and you already are — you might take their jobs. They are trying to stop you. Don’t let them!

You like to write, eh? So does everyone else on the planet! People write everyday. The only way to show you are better than them is to insult them. After all, you are better than them. Put them in their place by questioning how much work they put out per week. If it’s that much, it must be crap. Awards for writing! Critical collections! Bah! None of it matters! Only you.

97) Communities are for wimps

If you work — or even talk to — other people, they will steal your work. They will. Right now, they are waiting for you to slip up and forget to triple-encrypt your work. They might have even installed a keylogger or other spying software. You better check your computer again.

Don’t post anything. Ever. Just don’t. They only way to keep your good ideas safe is to keep them in your head. Don’t even write them down on paper. That piece of paper might be stolen. Or forgotten! Then it will be used by someone else and you won’t get credit! Again! It will be just like last time. (Yes, I know about that too.)

8000) Comment that their work was boring.

If you ever feel the need to comment on another’s work, start with telling them about yourself. Remark that you had your own personal journey and how you came to find their work. If they don’t know you, they will now. They will see how important you are from your comment.

Follow that by saying something like, “I was going to comment, but I had something more important to do.” Alternatives include, “I was saving the world just now — as I do every Thursday — and I saw your work. I can’t be bothered to comment,” “I read the first few sentences. Where did you learn to write?”, “I might have cured cancer if your work was shorter” and “You just vomited words here, didn’t you?”

2.5) Write a blog post explaining how to be an ass on the Internet

See Dan’s latest work. Enough said.