Endings for Mass Effect 3

What is it about modern works where the readers, viewers or performers think endings should be changed? When did it move to: I payed money, got a product I enjoyed for hours but, because I dislike the ending, I think it should be changed?

I don’t even want to argue that right now. I don’t. Mostly for the simple reason that, as I explained in the last two posts, I haven’t played Mass Effect 3. But also because it annoys me as a writer and creator myself. I’m not going to change my work because you say I should.

I’m not BioWare. I’ll probably never make much — or any — money from the games I make or books and scripts I write. I will probably never face that decision of authorial intent v. PR. Still, it annoys me.

In that light of that “I didn’t like the ending. I wish it was different.” way of thinking, I thought I would share some possible endings to Mass Effect 3 I thought up today while I was at work.

  1. Space Cows.Remember them? No? It’s probably because they removed themselves from you mind.That’s how powerful they are. Utterly powerful, actually.Behind everything was the Space Cow. Singular. Or maybe plural. A herd of cows in space.
  2. Space Babies.

    At the end of the game, Shepard finds him or herself in a room. Ominous music plays. An astronaut approaches.Suddenly, cut to the Star Child. (Later, it transforms a planet into a star to kickstart a civilization. No, I’m not kidding. Go read 2010 and 2012. It totally happened.)

  3. All humans get medals. Aliens don’t.

    You get your reward for saving the galaxy: a medal around your neck. That is, unless you are an alien. If that’s the case, you get to howl.

  4. It was all a dream.

    Shepard wakes up and maybe Tali is in the shower and not dead or anything.Also, the Citadel was in a snow globe held by a child.And the second game was imagined while you napped in a chair.

  5. The afterlife is a church in Hawaii.

    It doesn’t matter what you do or how you look when you die, as long as you ever got Lost you end up a church together. Or maybe it’s a temple, synagogue or something else.Remember, it was the journey that mattered. Which is why, you know, you all ended up together. Because it was all about the journey.

  6. Space Jet Pack Thresher Maws.

    Ever wonder why they seem to be on planets thousands if not millions of light-years apart? Space Jet Packs.It’s also why there aren’t more life on more planets. The thresher maws killed them and used them for fuel for their space jet packs to get to the next planet. Biodegradable, as it were.

  7. Space war never changes.

    What? It doesn’t. Obviously.

  8. It was never about you.

    That prophecy that you think are fulfilling? Nope. It’s not about you. Oh, and those thinking machines you thought were gone for 10,000 years? Yeah, still around.Don’t worry though. You’ll be back again in another six books as a clone of yourself. Because, you know, the spice must flow. Or something.

  9. Q. Again.

    Three timelines, one person. And another person. Two people. One of them is Q.

  10. It’s a cookbook.

    Why else do think the aliens like “to serve mankind”?