review, video games

Eternal Ring

Eternal Ring cover art

One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring to bring them all…
Eternal Ring

You are Frodo Cain Morgan. You are sent on a mission by your adoptive father to seek out Mt. Doom The Island of No Return. Because honestly, the title The Island of No Return sounds like loads of fun.  Your mission is to seek out the all powerful One Ring Eternal Ring.

Landing at the beach, you get out and start to head into a cave when the fisherman who brought you there takes that opportunity to finally start a conversation. He talks about how hard it is being the King’s servant, obviously having had the pleasure of being the ferryman for the Abyss of Instant Death and Waterfall of Unending Doom before coming to the Island of No Return. You then enter the cave. The fisherman, having spent hours in what appears to be tying his hands together, is overshadowed by a dragon and most likely killed. Although he was probably picked up and carried to his next job of ferrying men to the Place That Has a Scary Title.

Preceding through the cave, you come upon an area that contains reptile like creatures that surround you. Since they move in a seemingly hostel way, you slay them all. Thus ends the story of the misunderstood reptile creatures of The Island of No Return, their rich history of doing nothing, attacking people that walk by and installing torches in random locations in caves are done. After having destroyed an entire civilization you come across a camp of soldiers sent ahead to scout and investigate the island.

You present yourself to the deputy captain who promptly takes your sword away. He says it is because he “takes care of the company equipment” and sends you to look for “Wallace in the Storehouse”.  “Wallace in the Storehouse” is most probably slang for “insane” and taking care of “company equipment” means “take away the sharp thing from the idiot.” Thus the two hours end, with you in search of “Wallace in the Storehouse” and the vast adventures that must entail.

Notes:

  • This game is a first-person role playing game. It handles like a poorly ported Doom-clone from the PC to the console.
  • You must use the L and R shoulder buttons to strafe, or look up and down.  This causes no end of fun with having to mash buttons while trying to kill a flying creature above you and walk at the same time using the D-pad.
  • I died within 15 minutes of starting it.  I tried to return to the beach that you start the game at and when I did crabs surrounded and killed me.
  • Although the pre-rendered scenes look very good for a 2000 launch title, the in-game graphics are terrible.
  • It says it has Dual Shock controls but that is a lie. I could not get them to work.  I even tried to enable them from the settings menu, which is where I found out it had Dual Shock support, and all it did was slow down Cain’s walking.
  • It seems to have a day-and-night cycle although that could be my television messing up.

2 thoughts on “Eternal Ring”

  1. Roving gangs of killer sand crabs are the leading cause of beach-related deaths.

    Eternal Ring sounds like it would be a perfect candidate for Broken Pixels.

  2. @lolcthulhu: The only reason to play this would be that you had a “Wallace in the Storehouse”. Oh! Using that an a euphemism just makes me laugh. Yes, I would love to see an episode of Broken Pixels featuring this game.

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