I’ll admit to getting depressed way too often. Not in a “emo kitty = corner” kind of a way but more of a general “What the hell is going on here?” More frustration than anything else. Recently I had another bout.
To those in the know, I’ve been trying to put my life back together. Sort of.
Almost two years ago I was suspended from the college I had been attending. My grades had slowly gotten worse and worse. I had grown more and more apathetic toward the entire educational experience. Finally it reached a breaking point and I was let go, both from the school and from the job I had there as well.
I could give you several reasons why this happened. I could speak of being unable to balance the job and classes. I could speak of being really, really bad at Math and not bothering to get help. I could even speak about taking classes I felt overqualified to be a part of. And all of these would, in a way, be right. The more personal reason however was that I was lonely.
To me the college experience became not a time to make friends, party all night or even learn important life lessons. No. For me it became a series of oscillations. I would go to school, do my work, have my time there. Then the pendulum would swing. I’d be back at home and church. Both situations mutually exclusive and both making demands in a way that left me in but not a part of either. I was without a single focus. People in both assumed I was totally loyal to them exclusively and became angry with me when I had to give up something for the other polarity. Obviously, it could not continue. And it didn’t. I was suspended.
Now I fear those same feelings may be back.
One of the requirements for me to return to school was a source of funding. I found one. One that requires I work nearly 25 hours a week in order to make enough to barely afford to go to school — I often get some fiscal support for the more outrageously expensive things (textbooks). This job means that I am occupied during the day however which also means that I can’t take any classes during the day. This in turn means, if I am going to take classes, I take them at night.
Thus comes the problem. If I am at work during the day and in school at night, when do I do my homework? When do I have a social life? The homework answer is easy. I stay up into the mornings and often stay at the campus longer to squeeze in extra time.
You no doubt noticed I failed to answer that second question. When do I have a social life? The answer? I don’t. If it wasn’t bad enough that it is entirely too common for me to only speak a dozen words during the six hours or so I am at work, I often don’t speak during my classes either. Then there is the fact that I am the last one to leave my house and the last to return. Both times when others are either absent or asleep. Definitely not times for conversation.
Even trying to communicate with friends becomes little more than sending messages to Mars. You can never be sure if the messages arrive unless they come back. If they come back, they always carry important information. It’s those times though when the messages are seemingly Lost in Space that are the worst.
I’m not blaming anybody (other than maybe myself). It’s just that… when the scholastic stresses are on high and the datelines loom, there needs to be a way out of here. Too much confusion, not enough relief. Sometimes life, well, it’s all rather depressing.