REDMOND, WA — Against their recent trend of adding new features with each firmware update to their systems, Nintendo of America has confirmed today that the upcoming firmware update due out next week will remove all characters and menus from nearly all games. It is expected to affect all Nintendo products dating back to 1983.

There is speculation in many circles that this move comes after Nintendo received reports of a registered pedophile once using one of their many systems to play Super Mario 3 for a few minutes one time. In order to combat the possibility of this unnamed pedophile contacting children or anyone else in any manner at all at any time forever with their systems, Nintendo has moved to remove characters and menus from all games past and present.

Some parent watch groups say this move does not go far enough, with one writing on their website that Nintendo should “disable controllers as well.” Even with those, another writes, “kids can be contacted. Sharing controllers and playing in the same room? It’s dangerous. It could lead to other things best left unwritten.”